home

will look like this in less than 2 weeks.  the short sale saga ended with us holding the keys!

be not afraid...

was a betty boehmer (our talented resident cantor/musician) favorite at St. Mary's Catholic Church for most of my childhood.  i'm gonna guess we sang it at least every other sunday.  for 18 years.  it's a lovely song.  you can listen to it here.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeTpISSA5x8


i don't think i've heard it sung once at our church here in the bubble.  


it played at the church in castle rock, co the sunday we attended.  it was kind of a big deal.


why, you ask?  well, we were in denver, looking at towns, looking for a house, trying to figure out where in the world (or maybe just the greater denver area) to raise our family.  we decided to go to church in castle rock, because that town was high on our list...analytically there are lots boxes checked there.  so anyway, i was not feelin the move.  which is more of a common occurrence than i'd like it to be.  so i wrote my crazy out in an email to my college bff holly (or schmol, as i like to call her) and concluded with:


"okay.  so, tomorrow we are going to church in Castle Rock where we have the offer in on the short sale house.  i'm going to pray for answers and the open-ness and faith to receive said answers.  if you have time & are so inclined i could use a prayer or two.

agh.  thanks for listening (reading).  feeling a little better already about looking for a sign at the church tomorrow.  so guess i should try to sleep now!"

see, schmol & i are the same kind of crazy, so i can write this stuff to her without having to explain it all, or put the crazy disclaimer out there  (love ya, schmol.)  i really needed some reassurance that clay & i were doing the right thing for our family by moving.  cause the bubble FEELS like HOME.  it has been for 6 years.  my babies were born here.  we have family like friends & tons of support here.  i love my house, doctors, our schools, my grocery stores, blah blah blah.  the bubble = HOME.  no place in the greater denver area was feeling like home, no matter how many boxes on the list were checked.

so anyway, back to church in CR.  i was sooo not feelin it.  like the opposite of feelin it.  like i wanted to cry & just go home to the bubble & never come back.  and then, i think it was after communion, a very well done rendition of be not afraid started.  and i'm pretty sure i burst into tears.  cause i asked for a sign.  and i still wasn't feelin it, but here was my sign...all i could think of was, literally, home.  what more of a sign could i have asked for than something that literally screamed of HOME?

and then, as if that wasn't enough, He decided to hit me over the head with HOME.  

when we pulled into the church i parked in some random empty far away spot cause i needed to nurse hugh.  and then i was promptly annoyed with myself because i was in the sun & it was bright & hugh didn't like it.  ugh. so whatever, i nurse him & we go into church (see above).  afterwards we were getting back in the rental van & the woman getting into the car next to us asks her companion (who happened to be her sister) what time it was.  then she said something about 'oh, guess i'm still on iowa time.'  and i, of course (being my mother's daughter), said, 'oh!  are you from iowa?  i'm from iowa!"  

sisters:  yes!  where are you from?  

me: a small town in the northeast corner called new hampton

sisters:  what?!?!  we are from new hampton!!

turns out they were older cousins of a girl i grew up at St. Mary's with.  there were only three of us girls that walked to religion class every wednesday.  the cousin of these women, my little religion class wednesday walking friend, was killed during the summer between our junior & senior years of high school.  the very mention of her last name, again, screamed HOME to me. 

and feeling at home at that church was a big deal for me.  my babies are most likely going to receive their first communion there, their first reconciliations & confirmations there.  and faith is kind of a big deal to us, so i really wanted to feel like i could raise my babies in this church.  i needed to feel at home there.  and while i still didn't really feel it, i was pickin up what He was puttin out.  message received.

and now?

the short sale deal / contract on the house we want in CR is falling apart.  and the packers are still coming on july 12th.  and taking our stuff to who knows where.  and ya know what, i'm mad.  super mad.  and more than a little bit afraid.  i'm so not the mama i'd like to be with all of this chaos, change & uncertainty going on.  i'm short tempered.  i'm yelling.  a lot.  i don't even know where luci will be starting school in 6 weeks.  and that is a BIG deal in the mind of her mama.  nothing is feeling right.  and i'm not excited about any of the other houses on the market in our price range.  i feel like throwing a tantrum, 2 year old style...stomping of feet, flailing of limbs, screams, screeches, throwing things, tears & all.

so i'm writing this now to remind myself, in a big, public way, that He's got this.  and i'm SO tryin to be not afraid.  we have each other, we have our health, we have our faith...we really do have everything we need. and He's got this.  it's gonna work out.  i need not be afraid...

today's gus quotes

Mama:  Gus - you have to wear socks with those boots, buddy.
G:  I wanna wear pretend socks.


Mama:  Gus - please come here & brush your teeth. 
G:  I'd love to mama, but I just don't want to!!


Mama:  It's very important to stay in your bed tonight.  Do you hear my words?
G:  But I don't like sleeping.  I like wake up-ing.

my gus

my sweet boy

sweet, sweet boy...but yet

somehow, he's turned into a little man.  or super gus....

it happened sometime between his 2nd birthday & now. 
his chest is puffed out a bit, no?

he's not yet 2 1/2.  but somehow in the last 5 months or so he's gone from my sweet little boy to quite the little man. 

seriously.  i couldn't teach this stuff if i tried. 

he loves super heroes.  to 'fight the bad guys' and 'save you sissy' as he puffs out his chest & puts his hands on his hips.

today he was super gus...
sg:  you need help, mama?
mama:  yes!  yes super gus, i do!
sg:  what you need, mama?
mama:  i need a hug.  i need a hug from my super gus!
sg:  (gives me a quick hug).  that's enough mama.  now what you REALLY need?  i fight da bad guys.  (then runs off, chest puffed, arms & hands out in front of him superman style).

he loves to dig in the dirt & rocks....taking truck loads to & fro.  to smash bugs between his fingers (even rolly pollys, much to his sissy's horror). to throw things. and bang them. and take pretty much everything he touches apart, leaving it broken.  clay calls him captain destructo these days.

he also loves airplanes.  he's been flying a little blue airplane that myrtle & harold the great gave luci years ago for Christmas for hours a day for over a week now.  in fact, he played with it for 2 hours in bed tonight before finally falling asleep.  via the baby monitor...
[airplane vrooooomming noise]
"hi daddy.  hi daddy.  you want strawberry or vanilla daddy?  okay, strawberry?  i'll ask my mama, daddy.  i miss you dad.  i miss you daddy.  good bye daddy.  gunight daddy.  sweet dreams daddy.  dat was delicious, mama."
he's fancy like that, flying his airplane to his daddy to share ice cream.  then coming back home & telling mama thanks.  he's got good manners, that sweet boy of mine :)

june

wow.  so 3 whole posts in may.  and it's now june.

honestly i have lots to say, but i'm usually so spent by the time the kids are in bed, the house chores are complete & admin is done that i just don't have the energy for it.  these seem like important notes though, so for tonight it's the executive summary version.

-hugh is still not sleeping through the night.  he's up 2-3x during a good night.  i suspect it is because he doesn't eat much during the day...he's always too distracted trying to see what his big sister & brother are doing to bother with eating.  i have no doubt he's waking cause he's legitimately hungry.  that said, mama is feeling ready to institute some really, really tough love.  he currently has his second virus & i'm seeing every hour on the clock.  he's been crying for the last 24 minutes.  my last nerve was shot earlier this week.  it's SO not pretty.  so once the virus is gone, so are the night feedings.  even if i have to sleep in the closet with 2 fans & noise & a pillow over my head.  cause i need to un-shoot that last nerve. 

-gus is becoming insecure/more attached to his paci & blankie.  he's in a big boy bed now and is getting less sleep as a result.  i'm sure his little emotional state is hinged on mine, unfortunately.

-my lu is such a big girl.  she is sleeping without 'handles' on her bed now (safety rails), and is quite helpful with both hugh & gus most of the time.  she definitely has her moments, but i'm very proud of the girl she's become.  she finished pre-k like a rockstar...she's quite a lil smarty.

-we said good-bye to our wonderful preschool, which was incredibly difficult for me. i feel like i was part of a team i spent years building & i just dismissed all of the other players to go it alone. good shepherd was a bit of a safety blanket for me. i trusted those teachers, the director. i knew they took good care of my kiddos. i knew my kids were happy & safe there. it took years for that relationship to build, and the idea of not having a safety net for quite some time is weighing on me.

-i'm having a hard time with friends. it does feel like once you put the fact that you are moving out there that people stop investing in the friendship. which i guess is only human nature when we are all busy with our own families, but it still makes me sad.

-clay is working a lot.  moving isn't free, in case you wondered.  even when the company picks up the actual movers & transporting of belongings.  he doesn't get much time off for the actual move, and that second job with the navy doesn't seem to understand that we really need him with us.

-we put an offer in on a short sale house in castle rock.  we are still waiting on approval from the second lien.  we were told by the realtors that it was 'just like  re-sale' because everything had already been approved.  um, yeah.  turns out not so much.  so everything hinges on closing the transaction on june 22nd, and we aren't even officially under contract yet.  we do know, for certain though, that things are on schedule to close on our TX home june 15th.  we leaseback until july 15th.  so it sure would be nice to know where we are going with our 3 kids under 5 and 2 cats come july 12th when the packers arrive.  grandparents & aunts & uncles have all been very kind & suggested we just come visit, which is lovely in theory, but seems like a monumental logistical nightmare when the emotional & physical needs of 3 kids & 2 cats really depend on you alone.  getting from a to b isn't simple or easy, not to mention the fact that you need to get some sleep once you get to point b.

-if we do get the aforementioned house, luci will be starting kindergarten on august 6th.  which makes me sick to my stomach.  it's only 1/2 day, which makes it easier, but the fact that i don't personally know another mom whose child has attended the school makes me uneasy, to say the least.

as clay likes to say, right now it feels like we are 'trying to put 10 lbs of *stuff* in a 5 lb bag.' or something like that.  maybe there is a sock invlolved?  i don't know. he says it so often the actual words are lost on me i guess.  but i bet you get the gist.

so i'm praying often.  i prayed for peace & a bit of reassurance that we were doing the right thing in the right spot at the church in castle rock.  and i received two more personal signs than i would ever have even been able to ask for.  two very, very loud & clear messages of home.  so i continue to thank Him for the reassurance, and to help me have faith & a peaceful heart.

and now hugh has been crying for 70 minutes.  i went in after 30 minutes & he calmed down & talked to me while biting on his paci.  i'm guessing he's teething on top of the virus.  but if i go back in, it'll take another 30 minutes for him to calm down once i leave.  so instead i just listen, my body flooded with anxiety.  ugh.

this has become one of those posts i hate to publish as it sounds so 'woe is me'.  truth be told i'm incredibly grateful for the many blessings in my life, and my mind does a tremendous job of staying balanced.  but there is only so much one can do without the bare minimum of sleep.  and that's where i'm at tonight.

***wrote this on friday night, and debating publishing.  but alas, here i go...hitting publish!  it's our journey!