tails

luce has been requesting "tail?" on a daily basis. we went to target yesterday and got her some proper little girl pony tail holders of her very own (these were mine). i'm quite surprised they don't seem to bother her...in fact, she's a big fan. me too.

9w4d

Babypea was measuring well again this morning at 9w4d with a normal heartbeat. Last week the baby measured a bit bigger than I expected, and this week appears to be right back on track. (S)he even wiggled again to say "hi mom!" and I saw the little arms a bit better this week. I've been incredibly anxious this last 10 days or so...it was hard not to think back to what was going on in the last pregnancy at this time. Luckily I get to go in for another peak next Wednesday, and she told me not to hesitate to come in sooner if I get too anxious in the meantime. We've seen a healthy baby now three weeks in a row, and I am SO grateful...I just need to keep reminding myself that everything looks as great as it can. Of course I will get anxious/still am anxious, but I do hope that this week is easier.

22 months

-two words...luci is finally regularly starting to string two words together (a 2 year old milestone). mom shoes, more rice, more cup, more mom, more dad, color hiding (when a crayon has rolled under a piece of furniture), more Blue (Blue's Clues), guh hug, clock hug, watch off, watch on (she's obsessed with her dad's watch). zoo park is her latest. we've been hitting a park across the street a lot and clay & i called it a 'new park'...but somehow she's started calling it the 'zoo park'. i wouldn't call her conversational yet, but we are definitely on the way :)

-sleep...the kid needs less sleep than i do. we get in the bath at 7:30p, but she is regularly still awake at 9p or later hanging out in her crib...sometimes happily, sometimes not-so-happily. she is often up at 6a, but i do my best to keep her in there until 7a. then she usually naps from 1.5-2.5 hours in the afternoon. and so do i ;)

-shows. she loves tv & would watch it all day if we let her. but don't worry, we don't. she now knows when we tell her that is all the shows for now what we mean & will even turn off the tv for us. she goes in spurts and only wants to watch one show for a week or more at a time. right now it is Blue's Clues with the occasional Curious George or Boots (Dora the Explorer). Little Einsteins has fallen off her list and I can't say I'm terribly upset about it...

-she talks a lot about her guh. she knows all of her grandparents and can identify all of them in photos & on the phone (and loves them all), but she talks about guh (Grandma Pierse) about 20 times a day. she's often coloring for guh and pretending to talk to guh on the phone. and if you believe what she says, she dreams about guh during every sleep time. and in every dream they go for a walk, to the park, and swing. wheeeeee! sometimes they go to church too.

-she talks a lot about church, and sometimes on a random afternoon when I ask her what she wants to do she says 'CHURCH!'. usually followed by "church, shhh, quiet (pronounced kai-eeet), jesus, pray, AMEN!" she knows we go see Jesus and Father Tom & listen to stories & pray. as for her actual behavior during church...it is getting better overall i think. she starts to lose it about 45 minutes in...and since it lasts 1hr 20min or more, the last bit is quite a struggle for mom & dad. this week she kept saying "homa, homa, homa" over & over the last 20 minutes.

-she's started her own funny lingo. home is now 'homa'. and hi is now 'hiya' and okay is 'okaya'.

-she's started to allow me to put bows in! i made a big deal of letting her pick out a bow for a few days & now she's very into it. that doesn't mean it stays all day, but it is a start a least. she's also very into 'tails' (aka pony-tails). we've started wearing a tail the last couple of days & i'm a big fan. if we don't do a bow or tail her hair is in her eyes...bothering both of us. i'm thinking of trying pig-tails soon :)

-her eyes are SO sensitive to the sun! she does always wear a hat to help the cause though. she's not a fan of keeping sunglasses on though.

-i'm trying hard to get her out more. the kid cannot handle being in the house for even half of the day. we hit a park in the AM & the PM. and i'm taking her to story-time at the library once a week...she's not much for the stories but will sit & color & get a jump start on the craft while the stories are being read. she loves the craft part & also the animal cracker snack they get.

-we are starting gymnastics with her on June 11. diaper daredevils it's called....should be PERFECT. i have to participate with her until she's 2 1/2, but i think it'll be good for her. she LOVES to climb & i think this might be a great outlet for her energy for many years to come. plus with the summer heat & bugs coming we need to find more indoor activities. it's sort of like our winter for all of you northerners ;) i'm a displaced northerner in the south...dare i say that is the worst kind?

-she also goes in spurts for books. we read the Curious George surprise birthday party story for a month straight i bet. she's now obsessed with a potty book i got from the library.

-ahh, the potty. she's still not very interested. she is all about telling us she wants to sit on it...and after being placed on it she promptly jumps off in giggling craze running back into her room to hide.

-she's very into hiding...between the chair & ottoman or behind the curtains.

-she likes to go on 'trips' in the house....she'll gather up some stuff, put on some shoes, and say "byyyeee, see you...." then walk around the kitchen, come back in and say "hiii!!!" and then in the next breath she's off again, "bbyyyyeee!"

-when it comes to eating it is either feast or famine with her. the other night at our friend Margeaux's house she had TEN chicken nuggets, THREE big circle fries (like 2 inch diameter), 6+ veggie chips, 1/4 cup or so of oranges and some guac. and then a cookie afterwards! Then some nights she takes 3 bites and proclaims, 'done!'

-she hates getting mulch or dirt in her shoes at the park. she'll sit right down regardless of where she is or what she's doing proclaiming "SHOE!", take her shoe off, shake the offending bit out, and then put it back on.

-her favorite clothes, pjs & hats are the ones from a guh or clara. if she has something on and she says clara or guh, and then i correct her & say "mama got that one for you" she promptly loses excitement for the garment. i try not to take it personally.

-she has a super sweet heart. she regularly kisses and hugs us, photos of her guh's & friends, and even random things like clocks. it is VERY fun to watch her greet her little friends with a big hug.

-she has a temper. when she gets mad she throws everything in sight. or if we're holding her she'll hit us.

-she's not afraid of time-out. cracks her up, as a matter of fact. challenging for her parents...i'll tell you that much. she's very quick to say "sowwwwy" (sorry).

-she's making progress on her fork & spoon abilities. we learned the hard way that applesauce is a better practice food for a spoon than tomato soup...

-she frets about funny things. like a little black mark on the wall at the top of the stairs "OH NO!" (every single time) and the street sign that was down in our alley. now that a new sign is in place she proclaims "i did it!" every time we walk by. which is like 4+ times a day.

-she asks for specific shows...blue, car (the one about the car). i let her favorite episode get deleted like 2 weeks ago & she still asks for it with a smushed up sad face at least once a day. "blue, happy birthday....sorry"...because i've been telling her i'm sorry it is gone every time she asks...3x a day for 2 weeks.

Hawkeyes

Luce says "Go Hawks!"...and is very excited about wearing her hat from Aunt Baylee....

and cousin Asher might be moving to Michigan...but he'll always be a Hawkeye at heart (he told me so)...never a Wolverine...

Can you believe these two little sweet babies have not yet met? Never fear though, Luce can identify Asher in photos and regularly wants to "kiss" and "huuuug" him. One day soon I hope!

falling

i'm falling for this baby. this fifth baby of ours. in the last few days i've let myself go there...to actually imagining meeting another sweet baby. i can't wait to see who we make next. i love luci so much and think she is so great that i can't even fathom how exciting it will be to watch another one grow...how (s)he'll be different from luce, and how s(he) might be the same. just thinking of getting to hold this baby brings tears to my eyes. and as i fall for this baby more & more, the idea of losing him/her brings more pain. more days of dreams to miss, i guess. i never really imagined meeting peas 2-4, never really imagined holding them...i just couldn't...it was way to painful and the wall just got higher & higher with each pea.

yet with each day that passes i find myself thinking a bit farther into the future. to Christmas time. sweet babypea #5 is due to arrive on december 27th. i can't help but think how special and lucky this pea would be to share a birthday with Jesus. and what an amazing Christmas gift this pea will hopefully be. luce & i pray every night for her brothers & sisters...and we ask this sweet baby to 'come play, peeez'.

the outcome of this one pregnancy puts us into one of two very different buckets. a sweet baby to hold puts us back into the 'normal' bucket in terms of pregnancy. and a loss at this point would put us in a very small (.16%) percentage of the population who experiences recurrent miscarriage or recurrent pregnancy loss. never in my life have i wanted to be 'normal' so badly.

peez come play.

8w3d...

or 8w4d depending on the tiny spot that our OB clicked on is how our pea was measuring this morning. (s)he still had a great heartbeat >150 bpm and even wiggled a bit to say hi. needless to say, each time we see babypea measuring right on track with a heartbeat, our hearts leap with joy. we have to wait until next wednesday to see babypea again, and i have a feeling come about sunday i'll be getting a bit anxious.

most days i'm nauseous off & on, and pretty much all days i'm exhausted, pretty much all day long. nap time is now just not for luce, but mom & luce. i told our ob this morning that i've been feeling like i got hit by a slow moving truck...to which she replied, "you should be feeling that way for the next month or so." and actually, the symptoms all make me feel better about the pregnancy, so i thank Him for giving me signs since He knows i'm one of those high anxiety types. :)

no traveling for us until july, which i'm actually a-okay with. hopefully both grandmas will oblige us and come on down here for a visit.

talent

miss amanda has talent. and a fancy new camera. and loves our pea. the combination of the three is amazing. thanks for sharing with us...




ps...if you get posts emailed to you please come check the actual site to see the slideshow...

a sweet baby

is what we saw this morning. a baby who measured pretty much right on track at 7w1d, with a heartbeat between 150-160 bpm. not sure if it meets the technical Catholic criteria for a miracle, but in my own little world, i feel as though i have been blessed with my own little miracle.

i was 99.99% certain what we were going to see this morning (no baby)...proclaiming to my husband and our OB right before the ultrasound that i was confident i knew my body. i've not been so good over the last week...eating more carbs than i should (serious craving for PB&J), sugary desserts, having caffeine a few times, having a tea at starbucks, eating under-cooked eggs, deli meat...you get the idea. i stayed up late last night researching recurrent pregnancy loss, taking notes, and creating a very neat & orderly word document full of questions so that we could develop an appropriate action plan.

and then we found a sweet baby with a beating heart. and then i said holy #%*!, and burst into tears. and then i couldn't stop saying holy moly and i couldn't stop crying.

this last week, for the first time in my life, i understood the words "comforted by prayer". i seriously felt a comfort that i can't describe. i was sad, but i did feel a comfort that God was giving us what we needed. i was also mad...thinking that apparently what we needed was another pregnancy loss and my new mission was to find out why. and here He goes, showing me again that i just don't know. obviously, my mission is just to trust. and i promise to try harder.

thank you all for your kind words, sweet thoughts, and heart felt prayers. they made a difference.

week in photos

Guh Guh Pierse came & made our week! Mom & Dad got to go out on a much needed date AND out for breakfast! Woohoo Mom & Dad! Thanks Guh Guh.

two baaaas....too not so funny. we'll be working on that in the next few months.

and my personal fav. you can't really tell here, but Clara & Luci love each other SO SO much that they fight like sisters. so what did i do? separated them with a pillow of course, and told them they had to stay in their own space & not cross the pillow divider. the whole thing gave Luce quite the furrowed brow....ahhh...made me miss luci's aunt brooke....

mad & sad & somehow not surprised

the ultrasound we had this morning of unborn pea #5 did not go as we had hoped. we saw an empty gestational sac. no fetal pole or yolk sac. just an empty gestational sac measuring 5w1d. i had positive ovulation predictor kits this month on days 17-21...so for those of you not up on conception math, at a minimum i should be at least 5w3d, and probably more like 6w. and this early the measurements should be quite accurate.

my hcg levels looked great last week...more than doubling within the expected time. this week they fell short of the doubling benchmark. they are high enough, however, that regardless there should be a fetal pole (aka an embryo that turns into a fetus and then into born baby). and yet, there was not. the fetal pole should be visible with hcg levels around 5000. mine was 24,052 today, and it should have been 44,000+. if the sac is still empty when we go back a week from today it'll be diagnosed as a blighted ovum. of course i'd love to see a sweet embryo in there next week, but hopeful is not a word that describes what i'm feeling right now.

furious. furious is a much better word to describe my current feelings. i'm in a pit of my own pissed-off-ness. i'm confident in time i'll climb out, cause that's what i do. but for now, i'm wallowing in a deep dark deep dark deep deep dark pit of fury.

and where do we go from here? i haven't shared that i did a month of [in]fertility testing...looking at everything under the sun. i didn't care for the doctor (a reproductive endocrinologist). she prescribed a few drugs that the blood work didn't seem to support...based on a hunch I guess? should i have trusted her hunch? i didn't; instead i increased my workouts, went on the south beach diet phase 1, and met with a nutritionist. since February my diet has better than it has in years. i have good portion control, and a good balance of whole grains and protein. i'm doing what i can.

do we seek a second opinion from another reproductive endocrinologist (we're already thinking yes)? do we take the summer off from trying to conceive? intellectually i know my eggs and Clay's swimmers aren't getting any younger so does that make sense? can i be a good wife and mother to the family i have been blessed with while continuing to ride this emotional roller coaster? is God telling me our family is complete the way it is? or have we just had a string of random, non-preventable losses? how long can i trust my heart, which says that i am not done having babies? at what cost?

in the meantime, our ob's advice was to "continue what you are doing, and pray." so here i am again, staring at another long week of waiting for confirmation one way or the other. praying again that the Good Lord give our family what it needs. and praying for the courage to believe that what He's giving us IS what we need, even when i don't like it or understand it.