be not afraid...

was a betty boehmer (our talented resident cantor/musician) favorite at St. Mary's Catholic Church for most of my childhood.  i'm gonna guess we sang it at least every other sunday.  for 18 years.  it's a lovely song.  you can listen to it here.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeTpISSA5x8


i don't think i've heard it sung once at our church here in the bubble.  


it played at the church in castle rock, co the sunday we attended.  it was kind of a big deal.


why, you ask?  well, we were in denver, looking at towns, looking for a house, trying to figure out where in the world (or maybe just the greater denver area) to raise our family.  we decided to go to church in castle rock, because that town was high on our list...analytically there are lots boxes checked there.  so anyway, i was not feelin the move.  which is more of a common occurrence than i'd like it to be.  so i wrote my crazy out in an email to my college bff holly (or schmol, as i like to call her) and concluded with:


"okay.  so, tomorrow we are going to church in Castle Rock where we have the offer in on the short sale house.  i'm going to pray for answers and the open-ness and faith to receive said answers.  if you have time & are so inclined i could use a prayer or two.

agh.  thanks for listening (reading).  feeling a little better already about looking for a sign at the church tomorrow.  so guess i should try to sleep now!"

see, schmol & i are the same kind of crazy, so i can write this stuff to her without having to explain it all, or put the crazy disclaimer out there  (love ya, schmol.)  i really needed some reassurance that clay & i were doing the right thing for our family by moving.  cause the bubble FEELS like HOME.  it has been for 6 years.  my babies were born here.  we have family like friends & tons of support here.  i love my house, doctors, our schools, my grocery stores, blah blah blah.  the bubble = HOME.  no place in the greater denver area was feeling like home, no matter how many boxes on the list were checked.

so anyway, back to church in CR.  i was sooo not feelin it.  like the opposite of feelin it.  like i wanted to cry & just go home to the bubble & never come back.  and then, i think it was after communion, a very well done rendition of be not afraid started.  and i'm pretty sure i burst into tears.  cause i asked for a sign.  and i still wasn't feelin it, but here was my sign...all i could think of was, literally, home.  what more of a sign could i have asked for than something that literally screamed of HOME?

and then, as if that wasn't enough, He decided to hit me over the head with HOME.  

when we pulled into the church i parked in some random empty far away spot cause i needed to nurse hugh.  and then i was promptly annoyed with myself because i was in the sun & it was bright & hugh didn't like it.  ugh. so whatever, i nurse him & we go into church (see above).  afterwards we were getting back in the rental van & the woman getting into the car next to us asks her companion (who happened to be her sister) what time it was.  then she said something about 'oh, guess i'm still on iowa time.'  and i, of course (being my mother's daughter), said, 'oh!  are you from iowa?  i'm from iowa!"  

sisters:  yes!  where are you from?  

me: a small town in the northeast corner called new hampton

sisters:  what?!?!  we are from new hampton!!

turns out they were older cousins of a girl i grew up at St. Mary's with.  there were only three of us girls that walked to religion class every wednesday.  the cousin of these women, my little religion class wednesday walking friend, was killed during the summer between our junior & senior years of high school.  the very mention of her last name, again, screamed HOME to me. 

and feeling at home at that church was a big deal for me.  my babies are most likely going to receive their first communion there, their first reconciliations & confirmations there.  and faith is kind of a big deal to us, so i really wanted to feel like i could raise my babies in this church.  i needed to feel at home there.  and while i still didn't really feel it, i was pickin up what He was puttin out.  message received.

and now?

the short sale deal / contract on the house we want in CR is falling apart.  and the packers are still coming on july 12th.  and taking our stuff to who knows where.  and ya know what, i'm mad.  super mad.  and more than a little bit afraid.  i'm so not the mama i'd like to be with all of this chaos, change & uncertainty going on.  i'm short tempered.  i'm yelling.  a lot.  i don't even know where luci will be starting school in 6 weeks.  and that is a BIG deal in the mind of her mama.  nothing is feeling right.  and i'm not excited about any of the other houses on the market in our price range.  i feel like throwing a tantrum, 2 year old style...stomping of feet, flailing of limbs, screams, screeches, throwing things, tears & all.

so i'm writing this now to remind myself, in a big, public way, that He's got this.  and i'm SO tryin to be not afraid.  we have each other, we have our health, we have our faith...we really do have everything we need. and He's got this.  it's gonna work out.  i need not be afraid...