pregnancy #2

Our second baby made its earthly presence known just long enough for us to be certain of its place in our heavenly family. After 'just knowing', I took a test a week ago Tuesday and saw a very faint positive line. I attributed the faintness of this line to it being day 27, and to it being mid-day (easier to see first thing in the AM after a night of infrequent bathroom use). I proceeded to take several (okay 5 more) dye tests...all resulting in a very faint positive line. On Wednesday afternoon I took a digital test...it said "YES+". I stopped testing & started rejoicing. It seemed too good to be true...it took us a long 8 months to get pregnant with Luci, and to get pregnant the first month of 'not not trying' was an amazing feeling.

I had a lot of cramping from the beginning...that was why I took the test on day 27. On Monday morning I started to bleed, and it still hasn't stopped. I 'just knew' I was miscarrying. I called Dr. Johnson's office & they told me to come in that afternoon. But I was in Iowa. So we headed home (we had been planning on that anyway), and yesterday I went in for a blood draw. I talked to the nurse this afternoon, and my hCG level was so low that the pregnancy test came back negative; all of the tissue had passed on Monday.

Despite hoping that my body & heart were wrong, I've 'just known' this to be true since mid-morning on Monday. The 9 hours of traveling that afternoon/evening were challenging, to say the least. I was very uncomfortable, sometimes in a fair amount of pain, and emotionally raw. I am shocked at how in love you can fall with a baby you've known about for less than week.

Today I am physically pretty much back to normal. Emotionally, however...not so much. Sometimes I am fine, sometimes I am sad, and sometimes I am mad. Mostly though, I am focusing on being grateful for the gifts that I have been given. I am especially grateful for my earthly family. Looking at Luci's goofy grin, hearing her say 'mamama'...I can't help but feel a warm peace come over my heart. The time will come when I meet our heavenly little one. Until then I will hug my Luci a little tighter and trust in my body and in God's plan for both our earthly & heavenly family.