jumbled

opening a birthday present from the atkins clan last week...you can see her little eyes are still off here...her only remaining symptom is some seriously nasty poo.... this kid. she is in to EVERYTHING. stacking cups go where??? in the toilet???
her little face is pressed up against the stair railing...trying to reach my cell phone...
bathroom door closed? no problem! i'll bang the doors on dad's bookcase!

sit in my chair to watch barney*? heck no...i think i'll tip it over & climb on it...

posts are getting to be like projects these days...I start many but never finish them. although the posts (thankfully) are just started in my head, as opposed to in my house...where everyone who stops over can see my unfinished work. today on a walk i started about 4 insightful, cathartic posts...but somehow they just end up a jumbled mess, and by the time I sit down to post, I no longer have the energy to sort through them turn them into coherent paragraphs that people might want to read. so i'll make an outline instead...that is what i used to do back in the paper writing days...

-balance. how. can. i. do. it. i've never been good at balancing. but i need to get better. for myself, for Luci, for clay & for our marriage.

-self. who am i these days. who do i want to be?

-fit. i am not fit. i have a huge belly, and i am not pregnant. yet i look it. i do not feel good about this. see balance, self.

-i missed the baby shower of my oldest (going on 20 years!), dearest, bestest friend this weekend because flights were full. when i realized on friday morning it wasn't going to happen i literally sobbed. i knew not making it was a risk, and i thought i was okay with taking that risk. i talked to her about it beforehand...and we both decided it would be okay if i didn't make it. but i wasn't okay. i'm still not really okay. my only solace is that i've promised myself i'll drag luci with me if i have to in order to see her before this baby comes. and after.

-luci's not been to chicago (at least, not since she's been on the 'outside') and that really bothers me. but she loves the cubs...she claps whenever she hears clapping on tv...

*we don't really watch as much tv as it appears we do...but when the tv is on she actually holds still long enough for me to capture her with the camera!