i'm kind of a mess today. i may have been quite nasty to my husband this morning. i'm sorry dear husband. and i may have seriously lost it to a friend or two this morning. thank you dear friends for listening to me and supporting to me, no matter what the emotion of the moment.
i feel like a time bomb. my horoscope is right on again today...
You might be able to put your best foot forward today, but what's the use of doing that if there's something wrong with the other one? Your key planet Mercury may be rubbing you the wrong way now by running you through a gamut of negative thoughts. Instead of trying to fix anything, just observe with enlightened detachment. Decide what you want to do about your current state of affairs after your attitude improves.
maybe it is post-pregnancy hormones (or lack there-of), or maybe it is just the overwhelming sadness of what has happened...i'm not sure. but here i sit in starbucks...and my yummy drink doesn't even taste good. i'm trying my hardest to focus on work but it just isn't happening. it is taking all i have not to burst into tears right here in starbucks. my heart really feels as at peace as it can with what has happened. but these tears & this anger just won't stop.
i'm scheduled for a d&c tomorrow morning. i'm nervous. i could try to pass the babies on my own, but they've been in heaven for awhile now and the longer i carry them the greater the risk for infection. not to mention it seems impossible to heal emotionally when i have such a huge physical reminder that i'm literally carrying around...and could end up carrying for another month if i don't have the procedure. i just don't want my head to stay in this place any longer than it has to. it's not a very good place to be. our ob said in my shoes she'd have the d&c. and since we pretty much live by her recommendations, we are all set for 7a tomorrow. by this time tomorrow hopefully i'll be resting peacefully in bed listening to the sound of my sweet almost 18 month old running her dad ragged. haypes! (shapes) choo! (choo choo soul) einien! (einstein...as in little einsteins) kitn! (kitchen) a-side! (outside) shoes! coat! cup! 'nack! (snack) no no no!
3 comments:
Oh Britt..I am sorry. I know it sucks. I had a d&c with my pregnancy before Hadley and I hope it will go as well for you as it did for me. It was pretty much painless physically. Hang in there girl, and know we are thinking about you. Let us know if we can help in ANY way.
You weren't crazy at all this morning. It's very normal to be angry. Grieving is a long journey with many phases of emotions...
You're doing the right thing with the D&C. Wish I could've been at Starbucks with you. You were with me the day after mine, remember? In fact, I sat in that same seat just the other night and was reminded of the time we were there...
Wishing you peace, comfort & healing during your recovery...
Will call you tomorrow night.
Britt...you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I'm hear to lend an ear also if you need someone new to talk to.
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