mad & sad & somehow not surprised

the ultrasound we had this morning of unborn pea #5 did not go as we had hoped. we saw an empty gestational sac. no fetal pole or yolk sac. just an empty gestational sac measuring 5w1d. i had positive ovulation predictor kits this month on days 17-21...so for those of you not up on conception math, at a minimum i should be at least 5w3d, and probably more like 6w. and this early the measurements should be quite accurate.

my hcg levels looked great last week...more than doubling within the expected time. this week they fell short of the doubling benchmark. they are high enough, however, that regardless there should be a fetal pole (aka an embryo that turns into a fetus and then into born baby). and yet, there was not. the fetal pole should be visible with hcg levels around 5000. mine was 24,052 today, and it should have been 44,000+. if the sac is still empty when we go back a week from today it'll be diagnosed as a blighted ovum. of course i'd love to see a sweet embryo in there next week, but hopeful is not a word that describes what i'm feeling right now.

furious. furious is a much better word to describe my current feelings. i'm in a pit of my own pissed-off-ness. i'm confident in time i'll climb out, cause that's what i do. but for now, i'm wallowing in a deep dark deep dark deep deep dark pit of fury.

and where do we go from here? i haven't shared that i did a month of [in]fertility testing...looking at everything under the sun. i didn't care for the doctor (a reproductive endocrinologist). she prescribed a few drugs that the blood work didn't seem to support...based on a hunch I guess? should i have trusted her hunch? i didn't; instead i increased my workouts, went on the south beach diet phase 1, and met with a nutritionist. since February my diet has better than it has in years. i have good portion control, and a good balance of whole grains and protein. i'm doing what i can.

do we seek a second opinion from another reproductive endocrinologist (we're already thinking yes)? do we take the summer off from trying to conceive? intellectually i know my eggs and Clay's swimmers aren't getting any younger so does that make sense? can i be a good wife and mother to the family i have been blessed with while continuing to ride this emotional roller coaster? is God telling me our family is complete the way it is? or have we just had a string of random, non-preventable losses? how long can i trust my heart, which says that i am not done having babies? at what cost?

in the meantime, our ob's advice was to "continue what you are doing, and pray." so here i am again, staring at another long week of waiting for confirmation one way or the other. praying again that the Good Lord give our family what it needs. and praying for the courage to believe that what He's giving us IS what we need, even when i don't like it or understand it.