Brooke Rosonke, M.D.

Who knew that this pretty little girl, known too long for her liking as "Brittnee's little sister" would grow up to be a doctor? Well, actually, I probably knew. As did anyone who spent much time with her as a kid. From a farm in Iowa, to four years at Yale studying bio-medical engineering, followed by another four years at the Duke University School of Medicine, and then ANOTHER three years of residency at the University of Arizona's Department of Emergency Medicine, today is Brooke's very last day as a student...as of tomorrow it is all official...she's an employable ER doctor. Congrats Brooke. I can't even fathom the amount of intellectual, emotional & physical stamina this journey has required. We are so proud of you.

And yet I wish you even more luck & success in the next phase of your journey, the one that I know is closest to your heart...spending time with sweet Asher & Sunidh and eventually having a house full of little buggers. Good luck in Michigan...we love you!

23 months...a few days late

Notes to come. Last night was the first night in the big girl bed and today is the first day without the baa. I need to be an attentive mama today. Pool or foam tree at the mall?!?!?! tbd...

UPDATE:
the answer to the tbd was both...in the AM we did the foam tree until the 5 year old boys took over, and this afternoon after naps we did the pool. her favorite part of the pool might be the safety check/snack time. i pack us a couple of pb&js, some fruit & some carrots usually. i swear the kid will eat anything if i give it to her at the pool...and you'd swear it was the best thing she's ever tasted!

night one in the big girl bed was not too bad. about 1 1/2 hours of putting her back in it, telling her not to get out, etc. a bit of crying, but overall about what i expected or even a bit better. nap one went off without a hitch...as it was morning one without the baa. by the time nap rolled around you betcha she was ready to get into that bed & stay there with that precious baa. so far tonight has largely been the same...i've gone in once to retrieve the 'dropped baa' that i'm proud to report she did not get out to reclaim herself, and then we rocked, sans baaa, which didn't last long. the baa is staying in the bed. as in not.ever.coming.out.again. so the big girl bed cause has been seriously aided by the love of the baa. she really did much, much better than I thought she would today without said baa...a bit of whining, but not nearly as bad as i had feared. a few tears, but they were more for show than true sadness. although i did keep her very busy, let her watch a bit more TV than usual, and tried really hard to be silly when she was sad. aahhh. she's talking again. still not asleep at 9p. i've moved from my usual perch on the sofa to the landing right outside her door. fun times.

other notes at 23 months....

-she is talking a ton. she uses plural now, as in two ducks. she can sort of count to 10....at least she knows all of the numbers and aside from skipping six she's almost got it. she repeats EVERYTHING.

-her latest thing is to sit in a chair, cross her arms, and say, "so." i couldn't figure out where this came from until i saw clay do it. cracked me up! he does do it all the time!

-her first commonly used sentence is "yes, i do." as in response to, "do you want a cup?" "yes, i do."

-last week playing in her kitchen with Dad he asked for a drink of water (pretend). she took the cup to the pretend water spout on the pretend fridge, then paused and looked back at him and said, "words? words?" until he said please!

-"thank your welcome" is her version of thank you &/or your welcome. she says it all the time, always in the same sing songy voice.

-she HATES sunscreen & bug spray. i think most of it burns her skin...but i bought some ridiculously priced stuff for kids with eczema so i really don't think it hurts now, but she still either thinks it does or will and makes a run for it every time I mention putting in on. she'd even rather not go swim or go outside than put it on.

-she knows that right now she is one, and that on her birthday she'll be "twos"

-she knows the prayers that we say at night & can finish the end of every sentence of the Now I Lay Me prayer and the Hail Mary. she loves to bless DAD each night.

-she attempts to make the sign of the cross before we say our meal blessing...and will remind us if we forget to say the prayer. she touches her head, her belly, and then the left shoulder with the left hand and the right shoulder with the right hand...at the same time.

I know there is more I want to record (I think of this as a baby book as well as a tool to share with others), but I think she's not getting out of bed at this point & I'm going to go have an hour of mindless tv time before bed now. Despite how well today went for her and how proud I am of her it was a long one for me...worth it of course, but long!

Happy Birthday Iowa Guh

Sadly the last photo I have of the two of them is from almost a year ago! Good thing we are headed there soon. Happy Birthday Mom. Wish we could be there with you to celebrate.

life...an ending & a beginning

Bernard A. “Benny” Halvorson, 77 of New Hampton, died Friday afternoon, June 19, at the 9th Street Chautauqua Guest Home, Charles City.Memorial services will be 11a.m. Wednesday, July 15, at Trinity Lutheran Church, New Hampton with Pastor Kevin Frey and Pastor Joel Dahlen officiating. Internment will be in the New Hampton Cemetery.Friends may call 4 - 7 p.m. Tuesday, July 14, at Hugeback & Chenoweth Funeral Home, New Hampton and an hour prior to the service Wednesday at the church. Bernard Albert “Benny” Halvorson was born August 19, 1931, in New Hampton, the son of Henry and Anna (Olson) Halvorson. He received his education in rural country school near Jerico and the New Hampton High School. On October 3, 1953, at the former St. Olaf Lutheran Church in New Hampton he married Janice C. Hartson. To this union six children were born. Benny had worked at the Iowa State Department of Transportation retiring after 41 years. In 1965, the couple purchased their farm northwest of New Hampton where they raised their family. His wife Janice died on June 17, 2001 at the age of 65. Benny especially loved working on the farm, socializing with friends and family, and in his later years fishing, camping, gambling and watching old westerns. He had been living at the Riverside Chatauqua Assisted Living in Charles City, where he enjoyed watching the river.Survivors include two sons, Bradley “Bucky” (Pam) Halvorson of New Hampton, Todd (Krista) Halvorson of Erie, Colo.; four daughters, Brenda (Mike) Kellogg of Nashua, Lori (Mike) Rosonke of New Hampton, Debra (Steve) Lahr of Fairfax Station, Va., Tamara (Dan) Halvorson of Madrid; 10 grandchildren; 7 great-grandchildren; two sisters, Jeannie Huber and Anna Mae Qualley both of New Hampton.He was preceded in death by his parents, his wife and one brother, Hartley Halvorson.

Luckily Clay & I had planned a mini vacation for the week of 7/13...so instead of a trip to Portland we'll be heading up to Iowa for the week. I'm glad that we get to go as a family to be with my extended family. I grew up 5 minutes away from Grandma & Grandpa Halvorson, and across the street from Grandma & Grandpa Rosonke. I LOVED playing at my grandparents house with all of my cousins all the time (on both sides), and it breaks my heart that Luci & Asher have yet to meet. I'm excited to see lots of family I haven't seen in years...always the silver lining of a funeral.

On the other spectrum of life news, babypea waved hello again this week. (S)he was positioned so that we got a clear view of his/her little spine and all looked well. It was a wonderful thing to see. My OB is letting me come back each week until I feel the baby regularly...most likely around week 18. We'll also have the big ultrasound around that week to check for health with a possible bonus of finding out the sex. And yes, we'll absolutely find out if babypea is willing to show us!

Grandpa Benny

Luci's Grandpa Benny the Great (my mom's dad) passed away this morning. Grandpa has been sick for as long as I can remember but he fought hard, until this morning. He passed peacefully and for that I am grateful. Luci saw him last at Christmas but we didn't get any photos during that visit..although I do remember that I was surprised how she climbed right up in his lap to give him a hug. Clay & I saw him last in late January, right after we lost the twins. What I'll remember most about that visit was that he was the family member who was most open about our loss, telling us how sorry he was, asking us questions about how we were doing, and telling me how I would have made a good mama to twins (he & my grandma had twins, so he'd know ;) It was a conversation that touched my heart in a way I'm sure most people could never appreciate and I'll carry that memory with me forever.

While I'm sad, the tears fall most freely when I think of him being reunited with my grandma after 8 or so years...I'm so glad they are finally together.

luce, her guh, and 12 weeks

Luci & her guh... I'm pretty sure she drank at least a gallon of water from the pool....yummy!

my sweet baby.

I see this face a lot...usually when she's all up in my face, trying to tell me something that she thinks I'm not getting...

happy girl.

Luci's guh was here for the weekend and thank goodness! Aside from the usual first trimester woes, I came down with the nasty bug that everyone has been fighting and it was not fun...nor was I. Somehow Guh came in with her Guh-like way and managed to give me a much needed break from cooking, emptying & loading the dishwasher and laundry, all while providing 24*4.5 (the number of days she was here) help caring for an active needy toddler. Thank you Barb; I'm so grateful for you.

The big girl bed is still on hold. After getting a nice yet affordable twin mattress up onto the bed which we (and by we I mean Clay;) had assembled in her room we realized a-we were missing many, many support slats necessary to hold the mattress up and b-we were 5 inches short of mattress. ugh. So today one of the twin mattresses went back (a regular twin works fine for the trundle) and I found an extra long twin mattress that could be ordered....for twice the price, of course. Why does 5 more inches of length double the price?!?!? Clay's mission was to get some wood to make the other support slats...which he has plenty of time to do now given the mattress won't be in until Tuesday at the earliest, and probably more likely later in the week. XL Twin means XL mattress pad, sheets, the whole ball of wax.

It's been one of those weeks where everything seems to be so much harder than it should be.

BUT...I'm TRYING VERY HARD to keep perspective. At least, making a very conscious effort to keep perspective. It's okay that the bug spray doesn't want to come out while I holding my screaming toddler still in order to save her from another 50 bug bites. It's okay that our cats suck lately and pee on stuff. It's okay that a twin mattress doesn't fit our deal of the century used bed. It's okay that I have to take back all of the twin size bedding. It's okay that the laundry is never done and the house is never clean enough. It really is all okay.

As of Monday we reached the 12 week milestone...I'm off progesterone & can resume normal activities :) yaay. Babypea measured 12w4d and I was able to hear the heartbeat for the first time...nice & steady in the 160's. It was absolutely the best thing I've heard all week.

Our family is well and very blessed in so many ways. And that is what is important to focus on.

ugh...big girl bed time already?!?!!?

Luci has decided her favorite awake activity in the crib is trying to jump out. Literally, trying to jump out. As in, land on her head jump out. Guh & I found her yesterday morning just happy as a lark, practicing this new found activity. At first we watched, thinking it was cute. Then we quickly decided that cute as it may be, safe it certainly was not.

Picture flapping your arms like chicken wings. Imagine said chicken wings gripping the out side of the railing, with her armpits anchored against the top part. Imagine strong little abs & legs jumping as high as she can, with her head going farther & farther over the top of the railing. As in any one time that she got high enough her little waist would be over the railing & she would literally end up toppling out of her crib, head first, diving to the floor...and even if she tried to stop herself the momentum would keep her going.

UGH. Luckily Amanda had a video monitor we can use for awhile to keep an eye on her. When she did it last night I ran right in there & told her it was NOT safe and that beds were for sleeping. She promptly laid down, closed her eyes, and went to sleep. This morning I woke up & heard just a teeeny bit of noise from the monitor. Not even enough noise to be sure that she was awake. She was. Giggling ever so quietly at herself while practicing her fun new activity.

I don't think she's even trying to get out. I think it just must be fun. It looks kind of fun, if I was an almost 2 year old and had no idea I was about to break my neck. I've been prepared for her to start trying to climb out. I could even stomach the thought of a broken arm or something from a mis-step. But literally jumping out & landing on her head I'm not cool with.

Looks like Clay & I have a project to complete in the few days he's home this week.

1st gymnastics class = HORRIBLE

Luce had her first gymnastics class this morning...and she was HORRIBLY behaved! Of the 8 or so kids in her class, ranging from 15 months - 2 1/2 years, she was the ONLY one who wouldn't sit when it was time to sit, go where it was time to go, and do what it was time to do. And taking turns? Forget it! She not only didn't want to wait for her turn, but when it was her turn to go she just ended up crying, kicking & screaming. Seriously. The child cried, kicked & screamed on the floor for at least 35 minutes of the 45 minutes class. A proud mama I was not.

After 15 minutes of this behavior I broke down & gave her the baa. I was embarrassed by her behavior, and embarrassed that at almost 2 she still has a paci. But turns out it had nothing to do with the paci...it didn't really make a bit of difference so I hid it after awhile & she was so busy throwing her fits she didn't even notice.

Um, so yeah. But we aren't giving up. She asked to go 'homa' (home) after about 30 minutes but we stayed and the last 15 minutes were the best of the class. She finally did sit when it was time to sit at the end...otherwise no stamp. And she wanted that stamp...so when she realized that was the reward for sitting she went right into the middle of the group and plopped herself right down in front of the teacher. Smart, smart teacher ignored her until the very end (since she was the last one to sit) and then gave her the stamp. Go Miss Karla.

To be fair, she's sick. Has been for 3 weeks now. I probably shouldn't have taken her to the class, but I've been looking forward to it for weeks thinking she would just love it. I have an antibiotic prescription filled, ready to go. But the only time she's had an antibiotic it actually made her more sick (allergy to penicillin that took a week to show up) and our doc took her off all meds due to drug intolerance or something. And I don't want to make her feel worse.

Ugh. So we'll try again next week....cause she starts pre-school for 3 1/2 hours 2x a week this fall...and she's got to get a bit better at following directions before then or they'll probably kick her out!!

babypea waves hello

sweet baby waved hello to me this morning and all is still looking well. (s)he's too big to see with the vaginal ultrasound, and a bit small yet to see perfectly with just an abdominal ultrasound so the measurements were all over the board this morning. somehow the angle made it hard for our doctor to get the whole baby in the screen to measure...but she wasn't the least bit worried about it. she even asked if i had had coffee this morning because babypea was so active. no coffee though, just 1 slice of pb&j toast and a Carnation Instant Breakfast shake (the no sugar added kind...it has a lot of protein :).

thank you all for your continued thoughts & prayers :) I go back a week from today...they're so good to me there!

too cute for words

so I'll let the photos do the talkin...

10w2d

Babypea is still in there, healthy heart beat and all :) (S)he wiggled around to say hi to me again this week. This last week was the worst yet in terms of nausea. I was starting to feel better at this point with Luci, but with this pregnancy it still seems to be getting worse. I'm not complaining though...just documenting our journey!

Luci, who should we ask God to bless?

Luci: DAAAAADDDD!!
Mom: Dad? (he's #1 every night) Who else?
Luci: ASHERRRRRRRRRRR!!
Mom: And Asher? That's nice Luci, who else?
Luci: WAAAYYYEEEEEEEE!!!
Luci: JAAAMMMIIIEEEEE!!!!!
Mom: And Wally & Mr. Jaime? Oh that's sweet Luci. What about Mom?
Luci: mmmhmmmm.

Mr. Jamie has taken on a more prominent role as of late....I think he's the subject of Luci's very first crush! She smiles & looks almost bashful when we mention him, and has a big shy smile for him now each time we see him. Super cute.

tails

luce has been requesting "tail?" on a daily basis. we went to target yesterday and got her some proper little girl pony tail holders of her very own (these were mine). i'm quite surprised they don't seem to bother her...in fact, she's a big fan. me too.

9w4d

Babypea was measuring well again this morning at 9w4d with a normal heartbeat. Last week the baby measured a bit bigger than I expected, and this week appears to be right back on track. (S)he even wiggled again to say "hi mom!" and I saw the little arms a bit better this week. I've been incredibly anxious this last 10 days or so...it was hard not to think back to what was going on in the last pregnancy at this time. Luckily I get to go in for another peak next Wednesday, and she told me not to hesitate to come in sooner if I get too anxious in the meantime. We've seen a healthy baby now three weeks in a row, and I am SO grateful...I just need to keep reminding myself that everything looks as great as it can. Of course I will get anxious/still am anxious, but I do hope that this week is easier.

22 months

-two words...luci is finally regularly starting to string two words together (a 2 year old milestone). mom shoes, more rice, more cup, more mom, more dad, color hiding (when a crayon has rolled under a piece of furniture), more Blue (Blue's Clues), guh hug, clock hug, watch off, watch on (she's obsessed with her dad's watch). zoo park is her latest. we've been hitting a park across the street a lot and clay & i called it a 'new park'...but somehow she's started calling it the 'zoo park'. i wouldn't call her conversational yet, but we are definitely on the way :)

-sleep...the kid needs less sleep than i do. we get in the bath at 7:30p, but she is regularly still awake at 9p or later hanging out in her crib...sometimes happily, sometimes not-so-happily. she is often up at 6a, but i do my best to keep her in there until 7a. then she usually naps from 1.5-2.5 hours in the afternoon. and so do i ;)

-shows. she loves tv & would watch it all day if we let her. but don't worry, we don't. she now knows when we tell her that is all the shows for now what we mean & will even turn off the tv for us. she goes in spurts and only wants to watch one show for a week or more at a time. right now it is Blue's Clues with the occasional Curious George or Boots (Dora the Explorer). Little Einsteins has fallen off her list and I can't say I'm terribly upset about it...

-she talks a lot about her guh. she knows all of her grandparents and can identify all of them in photos & on the phone (and loves them all), but she talks about guh (Grandma Pierse) about 20 times a day. she's often coloring for guh and pretending to talk to guh on the phone. and if you believe what she says, she dreams about guh during every sleep time. and in every dream they go for a walk, to the park, and swing. wheeeeee! sometimes they go to church too.

-she talks a lot about church, and sometimes on a random afternoon when I ask her what she wants to do she says 'CHURCH!'. usually followed by "church, shhh, quiet (pronounced kai-eeet), jesus, pray, AMEN!" she knows we go see Jesus and Father Tom & listen to stories & pray. as for her actual behavior during church...it is getting better overall i think. she starts to lose it about 45 minutes in...and since it lasts 1hr 20min or more, the last bit is quite a struggle for mom & dad. this week she kept saying "homa, homa, homa" over & over the last 20 minutes.

-she's started her own funny lingo. home is now 'homa'. and hi is now 'hiya' and okay is 'okaya'.

-she's started to allow me to put bows in! i made a big deal of letting her pick out a bow for a few days & now she's very into it. that doesn't mean it stays all day, but it is a start a least. she's also very into 'tails' (aka pony-tails). we've started wearing a tail the last couple of days & i'm a big fan. if we don't do a bow or tail her hair is in her eyes...bothering both of us. i'm thinking of trying pig-tails soon :)

-her eyes are SO sensitive to the sun! she does always wear a hat to help the cause though. she's not a fan of keeping sunglasses on though.

-i'm trying hard to get her out more. the kid cannot handle being in the house for even half of the day. we hit a park in the AM & the PM. and i'm taking her to story-time at the library once a week...she's not much for the stories but will sit & color & get a jump start on the craft while the stories are being read. she loves the craft part & also the animal cracker snack they get.

-we are starting gymnastics with her on June 11. diaper daredevils it's called....should be PERFECT. i have to participate with her until she's 2 1/2, but i think it'll be good for her. she LOVES to climb & i think this might be a great outlet for her energy for many years to come. plus with the summer heat & bugs coming we need to find more indoor activities. it's sort of like our winter for all of you northerners ;) i'm a displaced northerner in the south...dare i say that is the worst kind?

-she also goes in spurts for books. we read the Curious George surprise birthday party story for a month straight i bet. she's now obsessed with a potty book i got from the library.

-ahh, the potty. she's still not very interested. she is all about telling us she wants to sit on it...and after being placed on it she promptly jumps off in giggling craze running back into her room to hide.

-she's very into hiding...between the chair & ottoman or behind the curtains.

-she likes to go on 'trips' in the house....she'll gather up some stuff, put on some shoes, and say "byyyeee, see you...." then walk around the kitchen, come back in and say "hiii!!!" and then in the next breath she's off again, "bbyyyyeee!"

-when it comes to eating it is either feast or famine with her. the other night at our friend Margeaux's house she had TEN chicken nuggets, THREE big circle fries (like 2 inch diameter), 6+ veggie chips, 1/4 cup or so of oranges and some guac. and then a cookie afterwards! Then some nights she takes 3 bites and proclaims, 'done!'

-she hates getting mulch or dirt in her shoes at the park. she'll sit right down regardless of where she is or what she's doing proclaiming "SHOE!", take her shoe off, shake the offending bit out, and then put it back on.

-her favorite clothes, pjs & hats are the ones from a guh or clara. if she has something on and she says clara or guh, and then i correct her & say "mama got that one for you" she promptly loses excitement for the garment. i try not to take it personally.

-she has a super sweet heart. she regularly kisses and hugs us, photos of her guh's & friends, and even random things like clocks. it is VERY fun to watch her greet her little friends with a big hug.

-she has a temper. when she gets mad she throws everything in sight. or if we're holding her she'll hit us.

-she's not afraid of time-out. cracks her up, as a matter of fact. challenging for her parents...i'll tell you that much. she's very quick to say "sowwwwy" (sorry).

-she's making progress on her fork & spoon abilities. we learned the hard way that applesauce is a better practice food for a spoon than tomato soup...

-she frets about funny things. like a little black mark on the wall at the top of the stairs "OH NO!" (every single time) and the street sign that was down in our alley. now that a new sign is in place she proclaims "i did it!" every time we walk by. which is like 4+ times a day.

-she asks for specific shows...blue, car (the one about the car). i let her favorite episode get deleted like 2 weeks ago & she still asks for it with a smushed up sad face at least once a day. "blue, happy birthday....sorry"...because i've been telling her i'm sorry it is gone every time she asks...3x a day for 2 weeks.

Hawkeyes

Luce says "Go Hawks!"...and is very excited about wearing her hat from Aunt Baylee....

and cousin Asher might be moving to Michigan...but he'll always be a Hawkeye at heart (he told me so)...never a Wolverine...

Can you believe these two little sweet babies have not yet met? Never fear though, Luce can identify Asher in photos and regularly wants to "kiss" and "huuuug" him. One day soon I hope!

falling

i'm falling for this baby. this fifth baby of ours. in the last few days i've let myself go there...to actually imagining meeting another sweet baby. i can't wait to see who we make next. i love luci so much and think she is so great that i can't even fathom how exciting it will be to watch another one grow...how (s)he'll be different from luce, and how s(he) might be the same. just thinking of getting to hold this baby brings tears to my eyes. and as i fall for this baby more & more, the idea of losing him/her brings more pain. more days of dreams to miss, i guess. i never really imagined meeting peas 2-4, never really imagined holding them...i just couldn't...it was way to painful and the wall just got higher & higher with each pea.

yet with each day that passes i find myself thinking a bit farther into the future. to Christmas time. sweet babypea #5 is due to arrive on december 27th. i can't help but think how special and lucky this pea would be to share a birthday with Jesus. and what an amazing Christmas gift this pea will hopefully be. luce & i pray every night for her brothers & sisters...and we ask this sweet baby to 'come play, peeez'.

the outcome of this one pregnancy puts us into one of two very different buckets. a sweet baby to hold puts us back into the 'normal' bucket in terms of pregnancy. and a loss at this point would put us in a very small (.16%) percentage of the population who experiences recurrent miscarriage or recurrent pregnancy loss. never in my life have i wanted to be 'normal' so badly.

peez come play.

8w3d...

or 8w4d depending on the tiny spot that our OB clicked on is how our pea was measuring this morning. (s)he still had a great heartbeat >150 bpm and even wiggled a bit to say hi. needless to say, each time we see babypea measuring right on track with a heartbeat, our hearts leap with joy. we have to wait until next wednesday to see babypea again, and i have a feeling come about sunday i'll be getting a bit anxious.

most days i'm nauseous off & on, and pretty much all days i'm exhausted, pretty much all day long. nap time is now just not for luce, but mom & luce. i told our ob this morning that i've been feeling like i got hit by a slow moving truck...to which she replied, "you should be feeling that way for the next month or so." and actually, the symptoms all make me feel better about the pregnancy, so i thank Him for giving me signs since He knows i'm one of those high anxiety types. :)

no traveling for us until july, which i'm actually a-okay with. hopefully both grandmas will oblige us and come on down here for a visit.

talent

miss amanda has talent. and a fancy new camera. and loves our pea. the combination of the three is amazing. thanks for sharing with us...




ps...if you get posts emailed to you please come check the actual site to see the slideshow...

a sweet baby

is what we saw this morning. a baby who measured pretty much right on track at 7w1d, with a heartbeat between 150-160 bpm. not sure if it meets the technical Catholic criteria for a miracle, but in my own little world, i feel as though i have been blessed with my own little miracle.

i was 99.99% certain what we were going to see this morning (no baby)...proclaiming to my husband and our OB right before the ultrasound that i was confident i knew my body. i've not been so good over the last week...eating more carbs than i should (serious craving for PB&J), sugary desserts, having caffeine a few times, having a tea at starbucks, eating under-cooked eggs, deli meat...you get the idea. i stayed up late last night researching recurrent pregnancy loss, taking notes, and creating a very neat & orderly word document full of questions so that we could develop an appropriate action plan.

and then we found a sweet baby with a beating heart. and then i said holy #%*!, and burst into tears. and then i couldn't stop saying holy moly and i couldn't stop crying.

this last week, for the first time in my life, i understood the words "comforted by prayer". i seriously felt a comfort that i can't describe. i was sad, but i did feel a comfort that God was giving us what we needed. i was also mad...thinking that apparently what we needed was another pregnancy loss and my new mission was to find out why. and here He goes, showing me again that i just don't know. obviously, my mission is just to trust. and i promise to try harder.

thank you all for your kind words, sweet thoughts, and heart felt prayers. they made a difference.