mommy brain @ 39 weeks

That is Luci's surprise face...we practice different emotions often. For example, when she's upset we ask her to show us a happy face. Clever Mom & Dad...we know ;)

Here we are...large & in charge of nothing...otherwise this lil man would be out playing already. Yes, I know we've seen a lot of this shirt, but it is really the only one that is long enough to cover my baby belly so it's getting a lot of air time lately.

I've had some SERIOUS mama brain as of late. I've been trying to finish up work in order to take the next 6 weeks off, and I swear I've never been so DIM in my life! This last project has required some good critical analytical thinking - usually my favorite kind - and instead I find myself stumped & distracted at every step. I finish one logical thought and find that my mind is blank. I have to force myself to the next thought, and then I can't remember what my last thought was. My mind has LITERALLY been empty. Like my brain resets between every task and I can't remember what is next or what was last. It's frustrating & has been getting me down. I've always prided myself on being 'sharp' and I feel a bit lost with the level of distraction that's been plaguing me.

But last night I had an epiphany as to why! Clay & I were in bed chatting and he asked what we needed to pack for the hospital (no, the bag is still not packed) and what our plan was should Gus come say, in the middle of the night. I said that we'd call Amanda and I'd grab Gus's homecoming outfit and a few things for me to wear and that would be that. And then I commented that I hadn't given it a lot of thought. And he was all, "WHAT?!! How can you not be thinking about this stuff?"

So that got me to thinking about packing a bag. And what I would need. And I thought, "What do I need in the hospital? What did I use last time?" See...the next step after needing the bag...is the hospital...because I'm in labor. And if you've had a baby, you know what that means. It means ridiculous pain, followed by more pain, and maybe a needle or two stuck in your spine. It means pushing with all of your might until you are so exhausted you think you can't do it anymore, but you have to because you know that is the only way to end the pain. Luci's birth took 26+ hours. 15 hours without an epidural. 2 needle pokes in the spine (followed by a spinal headache, a blood patch followed by a continued headache for the next 10 days), and 3 hours of pushing with an oxygen mask on. With the epidural turned off for the last 90 minutes or so I could do a better job of 'feeling' when to push. At the end I was literally begging & pleading & crying to Clay & Dr. J to just please get her out. JUST.GET.HER.OUT. The ordeal finally concluded at 9:11pm with Dr. J using the vacuum. From 9:10p to 9:11p (the vacuum) I was in unconscionable pain. According to Clay I was howling like a wild animal. And even if I try, I absolutely CANNOT recall the physical pain...it was literally unconscionable. All I know is that I kept thinking it had to be over soon because I could not survive another second of that level of pain...yet it continued. And then, finally, she was out. And I didn't care about anything other than the fact that it was over. Isn't that terrible? Didn't even occur to me to ask if she was okay...I was just exhausted & done.

The next thing I remember with any clarity is my sister Baylee's face when our family came in to see Luci. Everyone was oohing & ahhing over Luci...except Baylee. She looked at me and asked if I was okay with the most disturbed/distraught/concerned look that I've ever seen. I must have looked as bad as I felt.

So - before I forget - back to mommy brain. While I don't remember the physical pain of labor, when I think about going through it all again I get a bit panicky. Like heart racing, breathing fast panicky. My conclusion? Mommy brain = self preservation. It is required to function during these last few weeks with the impending labor possible at any time. So thanks blank mind...thanks for protecting me and keeping my anxiety down regardless of the inevitable. I'll gladly take a temporary diagnosis of dim over panic attacks to get me through the next week. Now I'm actually hoping my mommy brain will be in full effect a week from tonight if I'm still pregnant. Cause that boy is coming out one way or another a week from tomorrow.