deja vu

Well no labor yet. The most likely scenario at this point is that Clay & I will check into the hospital tonight to start the long induction process. Gus is still high and my cervix is not ready, so we'll first work on that tonight and then start the pitocin around 5a tomorrow. It is the exact same plan that we executed for Luci's birth. I'm planning to opt for the epidural more quickly this time; with Luci I tried to fight it for a long time, and once I finally gave in I went from like 4-10 cm dilated in just a few hours (apparently I wasn't good at relaxing on my own)....as opposed to the 8 hours it took to get from 1-4cm. At least that is my plan for now...we'll see how it changes.

My mommy brain is broken. Ever since my epiphany I've been thinking about delivery way more than I'd like. I keep trying to focus on just getting him here safely & in good health. That works for awhile. In terms of giving birth, ignorance is bliss. I can't believe anyone does this more once. I can't believe I'm doing this more than once! I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, eye on the prize...keep trying to focus on the baby....focus on the baby...he is absolutely worth it, after all. I don't question that for a minute. It is just hard not to think about 'the alligator closest to the canoe' as my handsome husband would say.

I feel sort of selfish for evicting him before 41 weeks. When your doctor tells you it is time, that is one thing. Intellectually deciding that this date works best for our family is more difficult to feel confident/good about. But if we wait until 41 weeks (which I suspect we would), we'd get home from the hospital on Monday 1/3 or Tuesday 1/4, and Clay would leave for work on Thursday 1/7. I definitely don't confident/good about that. So as long as the hospital has a bed tonight, we'll stick with what we decided weeks ago, and trust in God that it'll be all right.